Too Soon

I have been thinking about my first blog post following Katie's passing for awhile now. Basically, this post was supposed to be about the positive. It was time for me to focus on some of the great stories I had about our furry family members as well as introduce Cocoa and Jack. Alas, that positive post is going to have to wait.

Sydney, The Blonde Bear, learned to shake at a very young age. Not from anything we did. My mom actually taught her to shake. Every time my mom came to visit when Sydney was a puppy, she would pick up Sydney's paw and say, "shake." We never reinforced this, so you can imagine our surprise when someone asked her to shake and she held out her paw. This actually took place on our wedding day during a stopover at our apartment to get pictures taken with her. It is one of those moments ingrained in my memory forever.

Yesterday, my mom came to visit and as always she asked Sydney to shake. My precious girl still offers that paw without hesitation. This time, this one small act had the ability to rock our whole world. Mom felt a spot that she thought was swollen. After inspecting it myself, it seemed to be more like a tumor than swelling. Needless to say we made a call to the vet's office first thing this morning, and Christian took her to the earliest appointment we could get.

I waited for over an hour to hear from Christian. Given the time span, I knew something was terribly wrong. That call was devastating. Turns out it is a tumor. A tumor that is malignant, aggressive, and stage 3. Likelihood is that it has already spread. Sydney is almost 15, and I don't expect her to live forever, but I absolutely cannot imagine losing her so close to Katie. The feelings are just too raw right now. There is hope, but it seems so small right now. Given the location of the tumor there are just too many complications to allow for its removal. There is, however, a chemo drug that may shrink it and allow for her to live out her days until old age takes her. We are awaiting test results to make sure her body can handle it. Once that happens we will give it a try. It is important to know that chemo drugs for dogs are not usually as traumatic as they for humans. Most dogs handle them just fine, so we will see what happens. If that doesn't work, we are probably looking at one to four weeks with our girl.

I have to admit that it is hard to remain positive about her treatment options, simply because of our recent experiences with Katie. The more medicine I gave Katie, the worse she seemed to get. I know that is completely illogical, because things just happen, but it is hard to get past that right now. However, if there is one dog that can overcome, it is this girl. She has had to overcome so much in her almost 15 years: Hip dysplasia at a year old with surgery and permanent arthritis, thyroid issues, emergency spleen removal, mast cell tumor removal (this one was about three years ago and was non invasive), loss of most of her hearing, and the list goes on. She has always persevered, and I can only hope that this continues to be the case.

Heartbroken

Nothing prepares you for the euthanasia of a beloved pet. Others can share their experience, your vet can explain the process, but the real thing is so different than you ever imagined. 

After recognizing that we needed to let Katie go, we made the call first thing Monday morning. The vet's office was able to work us in during the morning. During our phone call it was suggested that we bring Sydney and possibly Cocoa. This was something we just had not considered, but we did choose to take Sydney with us. Sydney has been there for Katie since the beginning, and it just seemed appropriate she have the opportunity to understand what had happened. 

Our arrival at the vet's office had us quickly surrendering Katie to have a catheter inserted. As we walked around the building to a room downstairs, Christian and I were both in shock. We just could not believe this was happening. The room we waited in was comfortable. Sydney sniffed the room from one end to the other. When they brought Katie, it was devastating to watch her come in bouncing with her nub wiggling as fast as it could go. We got to spend a few minutes together, and during that time I know that it took every ounce of willpower we both had not to pick her up and walk out the door. 

The doctor came in and talked to us about the process. We were able to choose whether Sydney stayed or came back after the fact. Based on the doctor's recommendations, we chose to have Sydney come back after Katie was gone. He walked her out to a different room, leaving the door cracked just a little. Katie, always wanting to be where Sydney was, made a mad dash to follow. This was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. I went to retrieve her, and now that little girl chasing her sister is emblazoned in my mind forever. In many ways, that is exactly what should have happened. 

Christian chose to hold Katie during the injection. If he hadn't, I would have. She deserved to know that she was loved to the very end. She definitely loved us to the very end, and she was even giving Christian kisses until she took her last breath. A last breath that came too quickly. They tell you it will be fast once they start administering the injection, but quick does not even begin to cover it. One second she is kissing Christian, and the next I see her whole body relax. 

After a few minutes, I took my sweet girl from Christian and placed her on the floor for Sydney to see and sniff. Seeing her lifeless form will haunt me for a long time to come, but it was a relief that she was no longer in pain. In fact, for the first time that morning, it was obvious that she didn't want to be touched. That was a sure sign that she was in pain. 

Sydney came in and sniffed Katie for about three seconds. Most people will probably say we are crazy, but there was something about Sydney's eyes that let us know that she recognized that Katie was gone. Sydney then began to sniff the room but came back to Katie. After another sniff, we decided it was time to go. Kissing my girl for the last time, we left to come home.

Jack (the cat) and Cocoa (our other dog) sniffed Sydney all over upon our arrival home. Our house felt empty and still does. How is that possible with three other pets? Everyone in our house has been subdued since Monday. I think the others know we are sad and are just responding to that. While I felt Katie's loss all day that first day, nothing brought it home like reaching down to pet her while she lay beside me only to discover it was Cocoa. It is going to take some time to break myself from looking for her or picking up her food bowl at dinner time.

Katie Bug, thank you for the love, companionship, and joy you brought us.....

Making the Tough Decisions

This week started with a doctor's visit that indicated that Katie was in the final stages of kidney failure. She spent most of the week at the vet's office getting fluids which at first seemed very promising. Unfortunately, the week did not end that way. Her last day of fluids did not produce the desired results, so we are enjoying our last weekend with her.

It is so hard to know this is coming especially when her spirits still seem good. The problem is that she just isn't eating. There have been moments over the last week and certain foods, but the diet is limited. Bread has been the one constant in her diet this week. She eats more of that than anything else. I made a special trip to a local bakery, The Underground Baking Co., today for a special loaf of bread that I thought she might enjoy. The kindness of the owner, Matthew, was so overwhelming. It is amazing how a complete stranger had the power to not only bring me to tears, but to fill my heart with appreciation for others. Our whole family is so grateful.

We have been celebrating Katie Bug Day today, and we will probably celebrate again tomorrow. The idea came from an article I read once about a man who took his dog out for a day to celebrate all of his favorite things before he passed. Unfortunately, many of Katie's favorite things are outdoor pursuits. The weather is not very cooperative today, and she really does not have that kind of energy. I say that, but this morning you would not have believed me. Katie has a special ball. She has had this ball her entire life (ok, we have had a couple of replacements along the way, but I did stock up on the same one). It is the one toy that she always wants, the one toy that you better not lose or you have a frantic dog. This morning, as I lay in bed, she took her toy to Christian. I could hear them playing. She was catching her ball and playing like she has not in several weeks. As I write this, her ball is right beside her. It is her security "blanket". If we had known this was coming, we would have done Katie Bug Day differently. We would have given her a steak and taken her to the river, but that was not meant to be. In the big picture though, I cannot think of anything better than her playing with her ball. She also got to visit Christian's school when he had to go pick up a book. Believe it or not she loves to make that trip with him. My mom also came to visit her today and brought special cookies. She actually ate a couple of bites of that as well.

This is the toughest decision we have ever faced, but we cannot let her suffer in hunger. It is so hard to see her get excited about food and then not eat much. It is time, and we know it. Wishing we could turn back time......

All About the Bond

I am a huge supporter of animal shelters, and I never understood anyone who would purchase a dog or cat. That being said, I have to admit that I own a pet store dog. Katie is, in fact, our pet store dog. I didn't mean to buy her, it just happened.

We had been married about three weeks when we went to the pet store to pick up a few things for Sydney. As always, I wanted to play with the puppies first. There was this little 2.5 pound baby that stole my heart. As I sat cross-legged on the floor, she crawled over my legs and sat on the floor looking out like she belonged there. My legs encircled her as protection, and you could tell she felt safe. At that very moment, I knew she was going to go home with us. I like to blame a former student of mine for being too good of a salesman at the pet store, but really, it was all about the sweet puppy.

Sydney and Katie

After a few minutes of discussion, we decided to run home and get Sydney to see how they interacted. I don't know why we thought that was necessary, because Sydney has always loved other dogs. Needless to say they hit it off, so we did it. We bought a pet store dog. It wasn't a decision we made lightly. It was a decision we made because we bonded with her so instantly. To be honest, we did not pick Sydney or Katie, they picked us. When you know something is right, you just know. It is a decision that I will never regret. Thirteen years later, I can say that pet store dog loves us unconditionally.

Please don't take this as an endorsement of pet store puppies, but more of an endorsement of love.

Inspired by a Bug

Yesterday I introduced you to Sydney, "The Blonde Bear". This blog is dedicated to her, but it was inspired by Katie. Katie, affectionately referred to as Bug, is our thirteen year old rat terrier. To be honest, if Katie had come first, there would not have been a second dog. She has been our special needs baby. She needs an inordinate amount of attention, aside from Sydney she is not fond of other animals (including the other two that live in our home), and she is our alarm clock as she is always sure to remind us well in advance that it is meal time. Regardless, she is loyal, sweet, and incredibly loving.

In the last year, Katie has aged dramatically. Our little fireball of energy has shown a steady decline in her activity, and she has begun to show a lot of wisdom in her face. She was diagnosed with a heart condition. Initially, it was a 3 on a scale of 1-6. Within a few short months, she advanced to a 6, and it has been downhill from there. A couple of weeks ago she began having labored breathing, but lasix has really helped with that. However, that meant that we were in the beginnings of congestive heart failure. Then this past weekend my sweet girl, that was highly food motivated, snubbed food. Definitely a sign that we had a problem. Turns out, on top of everything, we now have to contend with kidney failure. There is so little that can be done, because of the combination of problems. I keep adding new meds to her daily regimen, and I cannot help but think that it is not making any difference. She just keeps getting worse, and I am totally devastated.

The progression has been much quicker than anyone imagined. So much so that we are now looking at weeks before the inevitable happens. While I know that this was bound to happen, I just wasn't prepared for it to be Katie. Sydney is the one that has struggled with a variety of health issues throughout her life. We always assumed that Sydney would probably be the first to go. I know that is naive, but it just seemed to be the most logical outcome. While Sydney is pushing 15, she is still hanging strong. Now it is time to prepare for a loss like I have never felt before. Remember, I have not always been a dog lover. She's not gone yet, and I am already heart broken. Until now, I never knew what that really meant, but my overwhelming sadness can only be described as a broken heart.

I am trying to get past the sadness. I guess, that's what this blog is all about. 

A Change of Heart

Anyone who knows me now would be surprised to learn that I have not always been an animal lover, but it's true. I didn't want to be around dogs much less touch one. If by some rare chance I had to touch a dog, I was washing my hands immediately. The changing factor for me was a very special "blonde bear". This little girl had the power to change my life in ways that I could have never imagined.

I will never forget that first day I saw her. We lived in Greenville at the time, and I had reluctantly allowed myself to be talked into adopting a dog. As we walked around the Greenville Humane Society, Christian saw several dogs that he felt were a good match. I was a little more picky. Once I laid eyes on this perfect puppy with her fuzzy ears and head that seemed too big for her body, I knew. I knew she was meant to be a part of our family. Someone convinced me to look around a little more, and I was devastated when I returned to her cage to find her missing. Fortunately, they had just taken her out to play.

As we walked outside, she was on this small grass covered hill playing. There was another puppy there, but I could not tell you what it looked like. I only had eyes for this special girl. As soon as she saw me, she came running to me, and the rest is history. This one creature had the power to change my life forever, and that's why this blog is dedicated to her. She is no longer that young puppy, but she is the source of a love I never knew that I needed.

Our sweet Sydney as a puppy.

Starting this blog is something that I had never considered before this week, but events with one of our later additions has brought on the need to reflect on the wonder and beauty of these furry members of our family. I am prepared to laugh and cry as I undertake this journey of our lives that lead to this moment in time.