Dog Kisses in Heaven

"Bet you can't guess who is here?" This was the usual question one of us would ask as a neighborhood couple walked toward the house. Ultimately this was a rhetorical question. We both knew the excited barks and jumping coming from Sydney and Katie could only mean that James and Charlotte were headed our way. The girls loved to see James and Charlotte. As they were taking their daily walks they would stop and give love and treats to the dogs in the neighborhood. These treats varied from cheese to hot dogs.

You could tell that James and Charlotte enjoyed interacting with the dogs. James was always down on their level and Charlotte was always a little more reserved, but they were both so kind and always smiling.

I will never forget the time we had just pulled up in a small convertible Christian used to have, and the girls hopped out of the car running as fast as they could towards the road. Of course, there was a car coming as they dashed madly toward James and Charlotte who were still across the street. Needless to say we all had quite a scare that day, but it just goes to show how excited they would get. 

We haven't seen James and Charlotte much in the last year or so. I contributed that to the fact that we were busy and maybe they weren't walking as much. They live across the neighborhood, so we wouldn't see them on a regular basis. Christian asked me about them a week ago. The next day I heard that Charlotte had passed.

James stopped by today and talked about Charlotte and the last few months. After being married for so many years, this has been devastating. While I have my doubts about the existence of heaven, I can only imagine Katie and Sydney greeting Charlotte in heaven just as they did when they were here with us. 

Does History Repeat Itself?

I always say that I am going to write a positive blog post to talk about the fur babies, but that rarely seems to happen. That is ultimately because I don't feel as compelled to express my frustration about those issues. When something negative happens, writing about it provides me with a necessary outlet.

When I found myself combing through old Facebook posts (I mean three to four years old), I knew that writing a blog post was the only thing that was going to help me cope. Cocoa recently went to the vet for watery eyes. Now this is pretty typical for her in the spring and fall, but this year it was significantly worse. No big deal. Allergies. Give her Benadryl. Now, the bad news.

Ok. Describing it as bad news might be a stretch. Let's define it as not good news or not as bad as it could be news. Cocoa has a heart murmur. I know, I know, dogs can live with a heart murmur for years. BUT.... There is the last time, our only frame of reference, and that turned out to be disastrous. As the doctor talked to me about the murmur, my eyes filled with tears. He tried to be reassuring. Most dogs can live for years with a heart murmur he told me. I have heard this before, and the last time our dear sweet Katie was gone within a year and a few months. You are probably wondering how all of this actually connects to me looking through old Facebook posts. Um, I was trying to determine how many months we had from the beginning of Katie's heart murmur to the end with her congestive heart and kidney failure. I thought for sure there would be enough clues to help me figure it out. Crazy, yes, possibly. I could even call the doctor's office, but I don't want them to think I am totally paranoid. These are NOT the same circumstances. Who knows how long Katie had actually had her murmur. She was older than Cocoa is now, so overall, Cocoa is in better health. Still, there is this nagging part of my brain that is totally colored by that experience. I just cannot let it go.

So what does it all mean? It just means that I cherish every day. Every moment suddenly seems more important than it did. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. I am not ready to go through the loss again, but we will face each day as it comes. Here's to hoping that we have years ahead.

Moving On

Sixteen months have passed since we lost Katie, and Sydney has been gone just a little over a year. A week before the anniversary of losing Sydney, I finally replaced the background picture on my laptop. It was one of my favorite pictures of Sydney in the snow. It's past time to start focusing on the fur babies that are still with us. I replaced that picture with a picture of a sweet Cocoa Bean at an early age. She didn't belong to us then, but who can resist that face?

Sometimes it is hard to recognize that she is no longer a puppy. She has only been with us two and a half years, so I have to remember that she is eight. Recently I had to make an appointment for her with a specialist. She has had a knee that pops when manipulated. She has been on activity restriction. As I was talking to myself, I guess my way of committing to memory that I needed to establish this appointment, it wasn't her name that I used. I said, "I have to remember to make Sydney an appointment." Yikes! Sydney was always seeing specialists for various problems. Old habits die hard. 

Cocoa has so missed her daily walks as we have tried to get her knee to heal. Her demeanor suffers so much when she doesn't get a walk. It was breaking my heart. We finally decided that we needed to see a specialist. Fortunately, we got great news. She suffers from tendinitis. We can deal with that. Walks are back on. Her outlook is much approved. But all this serves as a reminder that she is no puppy. No matter her energy level and her newness to our family, she is 8. She is considered a geriatric dog. Here's to hoping we have her for at least another eight years. 

Thankful Doesn't Even Cover It

The last year has been one that has challenged me personally in ways that I cannot even put into words. Losing Katie and Sydney truly rocked my world. On top of that, there was another event in my life that brought a lot of old feelings to the surface. I am not going to lie, a great deal of time surrounding these events were spent in sadness and anger. I have gained a lot of perspective, but I could not have done that without the love of my sweet Cocoa Bean.

We don't spend our Thanksgiving going around the table sharing what we are thankful for, so I am not sure how this conversation emerged. Cocoa was able to join us at mom's for dinner this year, and we were so pleased with her behavior. I made the comment that I was so thankful for her. Christian laughed about how most people were thankful for their health or their families, but I was thankful for the dog (Of course, he is really thankful for her too. It was more of an opportunity to give me a hard time). 

I have had some time to reflect on this, and I don't know that thankful even covers how I feel about having Cocoa in my life in the last year. During these overwhelming periods of loss, I know that she was my rock. My sadness was apparently so evident, and she knew that I was hurting. She stayed by my side as I wallowed in my feelings. Her sensitive nature and compassionate demeanor helped with the healing that I so desperately needed this year.

If your Thanksgiving did not include being thankful for your four-legged family members, take a few minutes to consider what they have added to your life over the last year. You may find, like I did, that they have contributed so much more than you even realized. 

You are my Sunshine

Sunshine is a powerful force of nature. Not sure why sunshine is on my mind right now. Maybe it's the fact that it is twenty something degrees right now. Maybe it's because we are approaching the one year anniversary of our loss of Katie (boy, that girl worshipped the sun). Who knows...

Sunshine has the ability to bring out unique characteristics in our pets. For some, this love of the sun almost borders on obsessive as was the case with Katie. During the summer she lived to be on the front porch. She could be out there without a leash and would never move off the porch. The priority for her was the warmth of the sun. The hotter the better. There are times that we would touch her and her black fur would be scorching. 

Sydney had a very different response to the sunshine. She would flop over on her back and slide down the hill. This action is what earned her the nickname the Blonde Otter. It was so amazing that this arthritic girl could move like this. I often wondered if the warmth of the grass felt good to her joints. 

Take a close look and you can see Sydney shimmying down the hill on her back. 

Cocoa is the odd animal out when it comes to sun, because even Jack is a sun lover. He loves to be on the screen porch in the summer. You often find him sunbathing. Even when it is not summer, he seeks out the sun. I watched the other day as his position moved several times over the day. Basically, as the sun coming from the window moved, so did Jack. 

The fourth pose I took of Jack as he followed the sun. 

The great outdoors are wonderful for our animals when it is warm outside. They often embrace it and seem to love every moment they spend outside. However, as we bypass fall and go straight to winter, please remember your pets. While there may be some sunshine, it definitely is not warm outside.

Pets with Personality

It is always funny to me when people use the expression "it's just a dog." Obviously they don't understand that our pets have personality too. They can be funny and have odd habits. All of our pets, past and present, have had unusual, quirky characteristics. Cocoa is no exception. She makes me smile on a daily basis with her charm and distinct facial expressions. Her daily presence in our lives is something I am so thankful to have.

How to explain some of her idiosyncrasies.... I think I have to start with something that both shocked and saddened us the first time it happened. Now we just accept it. Cocoa is so sensitive that she will put herself to bed when she feels we are upset with her. She gets this look, heads down the hall, and hops in the bed for lengthy periods of time. I am not going to claim that we never get upset with her, but most of the time it is all in her head. Basic maintenance like nail clippings will send her to bed. Saying anything that she perceives as cross will send her to bed. Nudging her while she is lying beside you on the couch will send her to bed. It used to make me feel guilty when she punished herself, but I have just begun to understand that is how she copes. The bed is her safe spot, and that suits us just fine.

When we used to visit Christian's mom and dad, Cocoa would greet us with a face that used to freak me out. She would look almost as if she was snarling at us. It turns out that is actually her version of a smile. She often smiles at people that she newly meets or when you get home from work. I used to hate it before she came to live with us. Now it makes me feel like all is right with the world.

At Christmas last year we also discovered that Cocoa has an extreme aversion to the camera flash. I was shooting pictures of one of our nieces when Cocoa started blinking excessively. It was almost as if she was having a seizure. Needless to say, I avoid the flash at all costs with her. Of course, even the sound of a camera shutter causes her to blink now. We took the picture below this weekend, and you can see she has already prepared for the flash. Needless to say we have a lot of pictures with her eyes in various stages of closure.

I am so lucky to have been blessed with four unique furbabies that have added their own color to our family through the years. I wish everyone could see and appreciate animals the way that we do. It is sad to me that someone might go through life not experiencing this type of love, joy and entertainment. :)

Time for Healing

This is my first post since the day after Sydney passed. This silence is somewhat symbolic of those first couple of months following the loss of our girl. For those first couple of months I managed to shutdown every time I felt myself get sad. If you know me well, you know I usually cry fairly easily. That's what made that time so bizarre to me. It was as if I could just flip a switch. Part of this was undoubtedly due to the fact that I felt like I had been crying since December. Maybe I was just numb. I just could not bear to admit that I missed her so very much. 

Losing Katie and Sydney have been two entirely different experiences. With Katie we had to have someone tell us it was time. To look at her she still looked healthy, but she was in kidney failure and just was not eating. Even on her last day she was full of energy and she died they way she would have wanted. She was in Christian's arms with her tail (ok, she really only had a nub) moving as fast as it would go. Sydney, on the other hand, was so different. We knew it was time. We were not dependent on direction from our vet. At the vet's office, she did not move. She was in misery. Sometimes I think that made letting her go easier. 

The last month though I have acknowledged the hurt and sadness, and I finally feel as if I am beginning to heal. I still think I hear her sometimes. I still look for her in the window when I come home, and I wonder if that feeling will ever stop. The tears started again, and I finally feel like I have truly grieved for this loss. 

It's funny that as I write this blog post that it has turned out the way it has. I sat down to write about the positives, but it seems that my heart had other plans. Guess that is what healing is all about. We all need to follow our hearts sometimes. Given the challenges of the past few months, I am getting better about that.