Does History Repeat Itself?

I always say that I am going to write a positive blog post to talk about the fur babies, but that rarely seems to happen. That is ultimately because I don't feel as compelled to express my frustration about those issues. When something negative happens, writing about it provides me with a necessary outlet.

When I found myself combing through old Facebook posts (I mean three to four years old), I knew that writing a blog post was the only thing that was going to help me cope. Cocoa recently went to the vet for watery eyes. Now this is pretty typical for her in the spring and fall, but this year it was significantly worse. No big deal. Allergies. Give her Benadryl. Now, the bad news.

Ok. Describing it as bad news might be a stretch. Let's define it as not good news or not as bad as it could be news. Cocoa has a heart murmur. I know, I know, dogs can live with a heart murmur for years. BUT.... There is the last time, our only frame of reference, and that turned out to be disastrous. As the doctor talked to me about the murmur, my eyes filled with tears. He tried to be reassuring. Most dogs can live for years with a heart murmur he told me. I have heard this before, and the last time our dear sweet Katie was gone within a year and a few months. You are probably wondering how all of this actually connects to me looking through old Facebook posts. Um, I was trying to determine how many months we had from the beginning of Katie's heart murmur to the end with her congestive heart and kidney failure. I thought for sure there would be enough clues to help me figure it out. Crazy, yes, possibly. I could even call the doctor's office, but I don't want them to think I am totally paranoid. These are NOT the same circumstances. Who knows how long Katie had actually had her murmur. She was older than Cocoa is now, so overall, Cocoa is in better health. Still, there is this nagging part of my brain that is totally colored by that experience. I just cannot let it go.

So what does it all mean? It just means that I cherish every day. Every moment suddenly seems more important than it did. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. I am not ready to go through the loss again, but we will face each day as it comes. Here's to hoping that we have years ahead.

Inspired by a Bug

Yesterday I introduced you to Sydney, "The Blonde Bear". This blog is dedicated to her, but it was inspired by Katie. Katie, affectionately referred to as Bug, is our thirteen year old rat terrier. To be honest, if Katie had come first, there would not have been a second dog. She has been our special needs baby. She needs an inordinate amount of attention, aside from Sydney she is not fond of other animals (including the other two that live in our home), and she is our alarm clock as she is always sure to remind us well in advance that it is meal time. Regardless, she is loyal, sweet, and incredibly loving.

In the last year, Katie has aged dramatically. Our little fireball of energy has shown a steady decline in her activity, and she has begun to show a lot of wisdom in her face. She was diagnosed with a heart condition. Initially, it was a 3 on a scale of 1-6. Within a few short months, she advanced to a 6, and it has been downhill from there. A couple of weeks ago she began having labored breathing, but lasix has really helped with that. However, that meant that we were in the beginnings of congestive heart failure. Then this past weekend my sweet girl, that was highly food motivated, snubbed food. Definitely a sign that we had a problem. Turns out, on top of everything, we now have to contend with kidney failure. There is so little that can be done, because of the combination of problems. I keep adding new meds to her daily regimen, and I cannot help but think that it is not making any difference. She just keeps getting worse, and I am totally devastated.

The progression has been much quicker than anyone imagined. So much so that we are now looking at weeks before the inevitable happens. While I know that this was bound to happen, I just wasn't prepared for it to be Katie. Sydney is the one that has struggled with a variety of health issues throughout her life. We always assumed that Sydney would probably be the first to go. I know that is naive, but it just seemed to be the most logical outcome. While Sydney is pushing 15, she is still hanging strong. Now it is time to prepare for a loss like I have never felt before. Remember, I have not always been a dog lover. She's not gone yet, and I am already heart broken. Until now, I never knew what that really meant, but my overwhelming sadness can only be described as a broken heart.

I am trying to get past the sadness. I guess, that's what this blog is all about.