Thankful Doesn't Even Cover It

The last year has been one that has challenged me personally in ways that I cannot even put into words. Losing Katie and Sydney truly rocked my world. On top of that, there was another event in my life that brought a lot of old feelings to the surface. I am not going to lie, a great deal of time surrounding these events were spent in sadness and anger. I have gained a lot of perspective, but I could not have done that without the love of my sweet Cocoa Bean.

We don't spend our Thanksgiving going around the table sharing what we are thankful for, so I am not sure how this conversation emerged. Cocoa was able to join us at mom's for dinner this year, and we were so pleased with her behavior. I made the comment that I was so thankful for her. Christian laughed about how most people were thankful for their health or their families, but I was thankful for the dog (Of course, he is really thankful for her too. It was more of an opportunity to give me a hard time). 

I have had some time to reflect on this, and I don't know that thankful even covers how I feel about having Cocoa in my life in the last year. During these overwhelming periods of loss, I know that she was my rock. My sadness was apparently so evident, and she knew that I was hurting. She stayed by my side as I wallowed in my feelings. Her sensitive nature and compassionate demeanor helped with the healing that I so desperately needed this year.

If your Thanksgiving did not include being thankful for your four-legged family members, take a few minutes to consider what they have added to your life over the last year. You may find, like I did, that they have contributed so much more than you even realized. 

Time for Healing

This is my first post since the day after Sydney passed. This silence is somewhat symbolic of those first couple of months following the loss of our girl. For those first couple of months I managed to shutdown every time I felt myself get sad. If you know me well, you know I usually cry fairly easily. That's what made that time so bizarre to me. It was as if I could just flip a switch. Part of this was undoubtedly due to the fact that I felt like I had been crying since December. Maybe I was just numb. I just could not bear to admit that I missed her so very much. 

Losing Katie and Sydney have been two entirely different experiences. With Katie we had to have someone tell us it was time. To look at her she still looked healthy, but she was in kidney failure and just was not eating. Even on her last day she was full of energy and she died they way she would have wanted. She was in Christian's arms with her tail (ok, she really only had a nub) moving as fast as it would go. Sydney, on the other hand, was so different. We knew it was time. We were not dependent on direction from our vet. At the vet's office, she did not move. She was in misery. Sometimes I think that made letting her go easier. 

The last month though I have acknowledged the hurt and sadness, and I finally feel as if I am beginning to heal. I still think I hear her sometimes. I still look for her in the window when I come home, and I wonder if that feeling will ever stop. The tears started again, and I finally feel like I have truly grieved for this loss. 

It's funny that as I write this blog post that it has turned out the way it has. I sat down to write about the positives, but it seems that my heart had other plans. Guess that is what healing is all about. We all need to follow our hearts sometimes. Given the challenges of the past few months, I am getting better about that.