Thankful Doesn't Even Cover It

The last year has been one that has challenged me personally in ways that I cannot even put into words. Losing Katie and Sydney truly rocked my world. On top of that, there was another event in my life that brought a lot of old feelings to the surface. I am not going to lie, a great deal of time surrounding these events were spent in sadness and anger. I have gained a lot of perspective, but I could not have done that without the love of my sweet Cocoa Bean.

We don't spend our Thanksgiving going around the table sharing what we are thankful for, so I am not sure how this conversation emerged. Cocoa was able to join us at mom's for dinner this year, and we were so pleased with her behavior. I made the comment that I was so thankful for her. Christian laughed about how most people were thankful for their health or their families, but I was thankful for the dog (Of course, he is really thankful for her too. It was more of an opportunity to give me a hard time). 

I have had some time to reflect on this, and I don't know that thankful even covers how I feel about having Cocoa in my life in the last year. During these overwhelming periods of loss, I know that she was my rock. My sadness was apparently so evident, and she knew that I was hurting. She stayed by my side as I wallowed in my feelings. Her sensitive nature and compassionate demeanor helped with the healing that I so desperately needed this year.

If your Thanksgiving did not include being thankful for your four-legged family members, take a few minutes to consider what they have added to your life over the last year. You may find, like I did, that they have contributed so much more than you even realized. 

You are my Sunshine

Sunshine is a powerful force of nature. Not sure why sunshine is on my mind right now. Maybe it's the fact that it is twenty something degrees right now. Maybe it's because we are approaching the one year anniversary of our loss of Katie (boy, that girl worshipped the sun). Who knows...

Sunshine has the ability to bring out unique characteristics in our pets. For some, this love of the sun almost borders on obsessive as was the case with Katie. During the summer she lived to be on the front porch. She could be out there without a leash and would never move off the porch. The priority for her was the warmth of the sun. The hotter the better. There are times that we would touch her and her black fur would be scorching. 

Sydney had a very different response to the sunshine. She would flop over on her back and slide down the hill. This action is what earned her the nickname the Blonde Otter. It was so amazing that this arthritic girl could move like this. I often wondered if the warmth of the grass felt good to her joints. 

Take a close look and you can see Sydney shimmying down the hill on her back. 

Cocoa is the odd animal out when it comes to sun, because even Jack is a sun lover. He loves to be on the screen porch in the summer. You often find him sunbathing. Even when it is not summer, he seeks out the sun. I watched the other day as his position moved several times over the day. Basically, as the sun coming from the window moved, so did Jack. 

The fourth pose I took of Jack as he followed the sun. 

The great outdoors are wonderful for our animals when it is warm outside. They often embrace it and seem to love every moment they spend outside. However, as we bypass fall and go straight to winter, please remember your pets. While there may be some sunshine, it definitely is not warm outside.

Pets with Personality

It is always funny to me when people use the expression "it's just a dog." Obviously they don't understand that our pets have personality too. They can be funny and have odd habits. All of our pets, past and present, have had unusual, quirky characteristics. Cocoa is no exception. She makes me smile on a daily basis with her charm and distinct facial expressions. Her daily presence in our lives is something I am so thankful to have.

How to explain some of her idiosyncrasies.... I think I have to start with something that both shocked and saddened us the first time it happened. Now we just accept it. Cocoa is so sensitive that she will put herself to bed when she feels we are upset with her. She gets this look, heads down the hall, and hops in the bed for lengthy periods of time. I am not going to claim that we never get upset with her, but most of the time it is all in her head. Basic maintenance like nail clippings will send her to bed. Saying anything that she perceives as cross will send her to bed. Nudging her while she is lying beside you on the couch will send her to bed. It used to make me feel guilty when she punished herself, but I have just begun to understand that is how she copes. The bed is her safe spot, and that suits us just fine.

When we used to visit Christian's mom and dad, Cocoa would greet us with a face that used to freak me out. She would look almost as if she was snarling at us. It turns out that is actually her version of a smile. She often smiles at people that she newly meets or when you get home from work. I used to hate it before she came to live with us. Now it makes me feel like all is right with the world.

At Christmas last year we also discovered that Cocoa has an extreme aversion to the camera flash. I was shooting pictures of one of our nieces when Cocoa started blinking excessively. It was almost as if she was having a seizure. Needless to say, I avoid the flash at all costs with her. Of course, even the sound of a camera shutter causes her to blink now. We took the picture below this weekend, and you can see she has already prepared for the flash. Needless to say we have a lot of pictures with her eyes in various stages of closure.

I am so lucky to have been blessed with four unique furbabies that have added their own color to our family through the years. I wish everyone could see and appreciate animals the way that we do. It is sad to me that someone might go through life not experiencing this type of love, joy and entertainment. :)

Time for Healing

This is my first post since the day after Sydney passed. This silence is somewhat symbolic of those first couple of months following the loss of our girl. For those first couple of months I managed to shutdown every time I felt myself get sad. If you know me well, you know I usually cry fairly easily. That's what made that time so bizarre to me. It was as if I could just flip a switch. Part of this was undoubtedly due to the fact that I felt like I had been crying since December. Maybe I was just numb. I just could not bear to admit that I missed her so very much. 

Losing Katie and Sydney have been two entirely different experiences. With Katie we had to have someone tell us it was time. To look at her she still looked healthy, but she was in kidney failure and just was not eating. Even on her last day she was full of energy and she died they way she would have wanted. She was in Christian's arms with her tail (ok, she really only had a nub) moving as fast as it would go. Sydney, on the other hand, was so different. We knew it was time. We were not dependent on direction from our vet. At the vet's office, she did not move. She was in misery. Sometimes I think that made letting her go easier. 

The last month though I have acknowledged the hurt and sadness, and I finally feel as if I am beginning to heal. I still think I hear her sometimes. I still look for her in the window when I come home, and I wonder if that feeling will ever stop. The tears started again, and I finally feel like I have truly grieved for this loss. 

It's funny that as I write this blog post that it has turned out the way it has. I sat down to write about the positives, but it seems that my heart had other plans. Guess that is what healing is all about. We all need to follow our hearts sometimes. Given the challenges of the past few months, I am getting better about that. 

Overwhelmed with Sadness

It seems the last four months have brought nothing but despair. The loss of my sweet Katie on December 16th was the beginning of what I can only describe as a time that has challenged my heart and soul. February had some additional personal challenges that brought anger and sadness. This has all culminated with the loss of my sweet Sydney Girl yesterday. The suddenness of it has me shocked to the core, and I miss her with every fiber of my being.

Thursday I left home on a work trip, and there was nothing that seemed out of the ordinary. Christian called me on Saturday as I made the trek home and said that her tumor was significantly larger and hard as a rock. To make matters worse, she had a slight limp. I made arrangements to make an emergency vet visit that evening. She had fallen earlier that day, and we wanted to make sure there was nothing broken. We got some pain meds and few answers to why the sudden change. However, there was still hope. Then, Sunday happened. 

On Sunday morning we discovered Sydney with slight traces of blood. At first it seemed she had licked the tumor until it bled, but as the day progressed it bled more and more. We knew the second she tried to stand that morning that this was going to be our last day with her. She was barely able to stand, and when she would try her back legs would give way. It was heartbreaking to watch as she struggled just to go to the bathroom. Oddly enough, she would somehow struggle to get up and make it to her bowl at feeding time. We would then hold her up as she ate, and we fed her a lot that day. We fed her everything she could possible want - pancakes, hamburger, dog ice cream, blackberries. We stayed by her side throughout the day. She and I spent the night on the living room floor. At one point she rolled over on her side so that she was touching me. I cherish that moment of knowing that I could be close to her while she was in pain. She slept very little that night. There were only two hours where I truly felt she rested. As the hours passed, I was thankful we were getting closer to the time when the vet's office would be open. This was not because I wanted to lose her, but I just could not watch her suffer any longer. The bandages I wrapped her leg in were covered in blood, and when I would touch her she would flinch. 

I carried her into the vet's office wrapped in a towel. As I laid her down, our vet just said, "Oh, Syd." I am not sure why that stands out in my mind, but it just confirmed what I already knew. As we waited for them to insert her catheter and bring her to us, we cried and reminisced about our beautiful girl. Tonya, who works there, carried in my girl and laid her on the blanket in the floor. It was so right that it was Tonya as she loved our girl too. She leaned down to kiss that beautiful cranium and told Sydney that she loved her. This speaks volumes about Sydney and her impact on those around her. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of that moment. I laid on the floor with my girl as she took her last breath. My face buried in the softest fur on the back of her head. Christian was there stroking her head. Leaving her behind was the most difficult thing I have ever done. 

Sydney was my rock. She made me better. Her love made me the animal lover I am today. I never thought I could feel this attachment to a dog, but she was so much more than that. She was a part of me, and while I will always have those memories, that hole that was left by Katie just got a lot bigger. Fifteen years just doesn't seem like long enough. 

A Gift from the Heart

While everyone else is celebrating Valentine's Day, we are celebrating a major milestone. This is a day that we never in our wildest dreams imagined would occur. It is a day that even six weeks ago seemed like a dream. Today our Blonde Bear turns fifteen years old. 

I will never forget that day when she was just a little over a year old, and everything in her little life changed. We lived in Greenville, SC at the time, and our apartment building backed up to an outdoor area that had a great walking track. We took Sydney there all the time, and some of my fondest memories are from there. That's the place where she first tasted blackberries. While most dogs like meat, this girl likes fruit. She would walk up to the bushes and pull off the berries so gently. It was almost as if she didn't want to crush them, instead she wanted to savor them. It's the same place where Christian let her off the leash and she went running into the pond to chase the geese. I wasn't there for that one, but I did make it in time to see the resulting bath. Christian liked to pretend he was mad at her, but when he told that story it was obvious that he was amused by her antics and the innocent look she gave him afterwards. It was also the place that she got stung by a bee for the first time. But none of those had the life shattering change as that one day.

The walk that changed our lives was the one walk where she went from enjoying the great outdoors to collapsing, her hind legs giving out on her. Christian carried her home that day, and soon after we had a diagnosis of hip dysplasia. This has plagued her life since then. Surgery helped provide some relief, but arthritis has been a never ending battle. This was just one of many health related issues she has battled, but she has done so with the heart of a champion. 

We have been thankful for every birthday, for every year of her life, a life that we never expected to last this long. This year though it is extra special. It is special because we recognize how short the lives of our babies really are. The loss of Katie really served to make that real for us. Of course, even six weeks ago, Sydney's 15th birthday seemed unattainable. With the cancer diagnosis, I wasn't very optimistic, but turns out our girl is still a fighter. She's had to be since the beginning, and it looks like she will be to the end. 

Go Bananas!

If you have read this blog, or if you know me at all, you know that we believe we have the smartest, most amazing pets. While we know this is true, there are times that they surprise even us.

If you know the game Bananagrams, you may be shocked to learn that even cats can play. That's right! Jack is a Bananagrams expert. One night Christian and I sat at our kitchen table playing. We were across from each other and Jack sat in the chair in between us watching intently. Those eyes were totally engaged, and you couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind.

As a player runs out of letters, he or she says "pull", indicating that each player must take a new letter tile. After watching this happen several times, Jack obviously got the hang of it. One of us said, "pull" and he easily knocked a tile into his seat. After picking it up and placing it back on the table, we just assumed this was a fluke. The next time, he repeated this action. The third time, Jack tried to send us a message. Instead of easily knocking the tile onto his chair, he took his paw and hit a tile as hard as possible, sending it flying through the air. We finally got the message, he wanted to play too.

There are so many memories that stand out in my mind about Jack, but this is by far one of my favorites. It is such a reminder of his personality. He is deliberate, patient to a point, and without a doubt persistent. It amazes me even now to think about that night. The moral of this story is don't be afraid to let your pets "Go Bananas!", you never know what may happen.

O, Christmas Tree

Christmas has long since passed, but we still have our small tree up in our bedroom. That tree is staying up indefinitely. It seems silly, but I refuse to take it down until Sydney is gone. This may eventually change, but for now the tree stays. One of my favorite things during the holiday season is to wake up and see Sydney lying on the floor with the glow of Christmas lights illuminating her. I can't imagine no longer having that experience, and I want to savor it for as long as possible.

This picture doesn't do justice to what I see when I wake up and see Sydney under the Christmas tree. 

Given Sydney's last blood work, we were having a difficult time being optimistic. Then, last Friday happened. Red blood count, while still low, has improved. Kidney function is normal. Needless to say, I cried tears of relief with that news. In that instant, the stress that I did not know I was experiencing was suddenly gone.

That tree almost came down that day, but now it has a superstitious quality to it. If I take it down, will things decline? It's almost like someone wearing the same hat when their team plays. I am not willing to take that chance, and I am thankful for every morning I see that sweet Blonde Bear under the Christmas Tree.

Chemo, What's it Good for?

Sydney has officially been on chemo for two weeks now. To be honest, it seemed to be going rather well. No major side effects, except for a slight upset stomach. This being evident from many of Sydney's actions and the intense rumbling we could hear coming from her stomach, none of which actually ended in vomiting, thankfully. We picked up a new medicine to help coat her stomach. That seems to have helped with the stomach upset, given that there is no more grass eating or excessive gulping.

We have really felt positive these last two weeks, and I have to admit that is no small feat given what we went through with Katie in the end. Sydney's first chemo blood work was done on Friday. We weren't even worried about how it was going to turn out. This girl has always handled every medical problem that has come her way, and there have been plenty of those. Needless to say, we were a little disappointed. Her red blood cell count has dropped slightly, so she is anemic. Her BUN (blood urea nitrogen) has gone up. It has only gone up slightly, but I am terrified that those numbers will only continue to deteriorate. After Katie, I have a firm grasp on what an increase in BUN means. Sydney's is only 6 points above normal, whereas Katie's was well over 100 points above normal in the end. Regardless, I have a sense of deja vu.

Because it is apparent that Sydney's body cannot handle her current does of chemo, we have cut her current dose in half and will recheck her blood in a week. I am hopeful that her numbers will return to normal, but it is difficult to remain optimistic. Additionally, we have to hope that this smaller dosage is enough to keep the cancer from spreading.

There are only three weeks until my blonde bear turns 15. I have never wished more for such a milestone. A lot can happen in three weeks, but no matter what, I know that we are so lucky that she has been our rock for so long.

The Cocoa Bean

After Jack arrived, we decided that we were done adding pets to our family for awhile. Small house, two humans, three animals -- we were to capacity. The universe had other plans for us, however. We did, in fact, add a fourth furry member to our family.

Cocoa came to us at the age of five and a half. This rambunctious, hyper, and sweet girl has experienced a lot of loss in her life. She belonged to Christian's parents. Christian's dad trained her so well. He would leave a row of treats out, and she would only grab one a day. She also did not bark. She would make this very small sound that sounded like a whisper of a bark. As a young dog, she would stay beside Billy when he returned home from his dialysis treatments. Three and half years ago, Billy passed away and Cocoa lost an important person in her life. Fast forward to December 2012 -- Christian's mom became unable to care for Cocoa prior to her passing, and Cocoa came to live with us. Four animals were a lot, but she was such a great addition. She kept everyone on their toes.

I am not going to lie, there were some ups and downs. Cocoa can be very submissive in some situations. Initially, we had to be very careful how we said anything to her, otherwise we might be cleaning up a small accident. The frequency of these accidents has improved, but we still have to be careful sometimes. Additionally, Cocoa will put herself to bed if she thinks she has done something wrong or if she thinks someone (human or animal) is upset with her. Talk about sensitive!

Cocoa quickly acclimated to her place in our home. Within a week, she found her voice. No more barking whispers. She could make as much noise as any of the others. She also, eventually, made friends with Jack. Jack was rather hostile towards her at first. Having never heard him hiss, I was shocked at his reactions to Cocoa. Of course, he got over it. As Cocoa laid on the couch one night, Jack slowly inched up and smacked her in the face, TWICE. The rest is history. Now they are the best of friends. They run, play, wrestle and create havoc. It is wonderful!

A year later, we are so thankful Cocoa Bean joined our family. She brings us a lot of joy with her lovable, infectious nature.

That Darn Cat

A cat, not for us, but thanks anyway. Insert hysterical laughter. First, let me point out that Christian is allergic to cats, and I don't mean just a little bit. Prime example of this includes the time his grandmother brought him a t-shirt from Florida. She stayed with Christian's aunt and uncle that had a cat, and like all cats he was fascinated with her luggage. Christian puts on said t-shirt on and within an hour his eyes are watering and practically swollen shut.

So imagine our surprise when a cat picked us. One September night we are hanging out on the front porch while Sydney and Katie are doing their business, and strolling down our walkway was the most beautiful black and white cat. Well, in my very candid way of putting things, I said, "that is either the bravest cat or the damn stupidest cat ever." Within seconds of that, Sydney and Katie managed to chase him under the car where he just sat and looked at us after we took them inside. Now I am not going to lie, I fed this cat (gender yet to be determined) tuna that night. I am a sucker that way. I know, I know, that is a sure sign that a cat is going to stay. However, that is the last time I fed him for four days. Four of the rainiest days I can remember. Four days that he lived under our porch. Every time we would walk outside he would pop out from under the porch to say hello. Going to work? Yep, he would follow along and hop in the car.

Finally on the fourth day, our willpower to ignore this little creature ended. This may have been due more to the unrelenting rain than anything else, but it was one of the best decisions we ever made. Christian, of course, was not inclined to pick up this cat due to his allergies, and I was just plain freaked out by the idea of claws. Basically, this meant that Jack went by the name Sophie until I had the nerve to pick him up. He has a lot of hair, therefore making it impossible to tell his gender.

Once we discovered that we had given Jack a gender crisis, we set out to determine his name. Jack is named for two TV characters - Jack Bauer from 24 and Jack Bristow from Alias. At the time, we had planned on letting Jack explore the great outdoors, so giving him the name of two bad ass TV personalities was meant to bode well for his outside adventures. Of course, watching him cross the street with total abandon ended this freedom. He is now an indoor cat, but he has a very nice screened-in porch to enjoy the great outdoors.

Jack was a great addition to our household. He creates havoc and entertainment every day, and Christian's allergies have lessened with time. Here's to stray cats and forever homes.